Why Is It So Hard To Leave A Toxic Relationship.

Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇
4 min readAug 12, 2022

Not a scientific one, but this is based on experience.

Many of us who happen to know someone who is in a toxic relationship might be familiar with the vicious cycle where the victim cried, depressed, and being sad for his/her spouse yet in a few days they declare that they’re back together. Many of perhaps, happen to feel tired as if our advice never really be heard and our friend keep on coming back to that toxic relationship.

The relationship is called toxic for a reason: it is very hard to leave healthily.

I have experience from both perspective: as the one who stays in the toxic relationship, and as the one who sees my friend keep on coming back to that toxic relationship. Let’s talk from the one who stays in the toxic relationship perspective’s first.

I was in a toxic relationship for a span of 5 years long. Yes, as you might have guessed it, we break up numerous times and get back together numerous time as well. I once even ever heard one of my friends saying

“Him again?”

I know, stubborn me. Perhaps that’s how you perceive it to be but no, it was not just a mere me being stubborn, but there’s a toxic inside of it that keeps me returning again and again.

There are various reason to call a relationship toxic and everyone can have their own judgement. In my case, what made my last relationship a toxic one is that my ex is someone who is very manipulative, big liar, loves to gaslight me, narcissist, and super stubborn into thinking that he is always right.

I struggled a lot with him being manipulative. I always find myself trapped in the lies of “I promise you I will change”. Our brain somehow has been tricked into believing that he will change one day meanwhile no, our belief alone cannot change anything if the other party does not even wholeheartedly realize that there’s something wrong with him.

We often times get back together after a break-up, a betrayal, a sarcasm, an every reason we have that made us cried in tears and then forget we ever cried because of the toxic itself. The toxic in the relationship is what makes the people return again and again. In my case, the manipulation, lies, and gaslights always works in making my mind veiled from rational thoughts.

I finally able to leave that relationship after so many hurts, betrayals, lies, and so many other hurtful things to the point that I was rushed to the ER due to being depressed due to this very toxic relationship. It is very hard to leave because we are blinded by the premise that this can work, this can get better, this can be fixed. However what we were actually doing was just lying to ourselves. We’ve seen the signs yet we were bought into the utopia that this relationship can be good.

There are many reasons as well such as being afraid that no one will ever accept us again, feeling worthless, tired of trying with someone new, and so many other reasons that made whatever being said by our bestfriend about leaving him cannot be accepted wholeheartedly.

So when I was in the perspective of someone who is seeing her friend being trapped in a toxic relationship, I understand very well the reason why she cannot leave the relationship that easy.

It is indeed very tiring to see the people we love keep on coming back to a toxic relationship when we know she deserve better, more healthy, and more of everything relationship. However, as someone who has ever been in her shoes, I understand very well that I can’t insist my opinion into her thoughts. The only thing that I can do is being there for my friend and support whatever decision she made. It’s not that I endorse the option of her coming back to that toxic relationship, I have to do my job of reminding her to stop but if she insist into going back, I’ll be there when she needs.

Leaving a toxic relationship is not that easy. Hence the best thing we can do for those who is currently trapped in one is to be there and help her/him out as best as we can.

I can finally say that I have freed myself from the relationship because of my friend’s endless support and company who keep reminding me that I deserve to be loved, to be treated right, to have a healthy relationship.

I’m glad that I’m out of it and currently in a very healthy one. If you feel like you’re currently being trapped in a toxic relationship and do not know to who you can ask for help, I’m here willing to help you as best as I could. Contact me through e-mail anindannisa@gmail.com. I’ll see what I can do to help.

Best,

AA

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Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇

This is Anin’s public diary consist of her opinion, experience, and thoughts.