Why Is It So Hard To Leave A Toxic Relationship.

Not a scientific one, but this is based on experience.

Many of us who happen to know someone trapped in a toxic relationship might be familiar with the vicious cycle where the victim would cried, depressed, and being sad being in this relationship yet in a few days they declare that they’re still together. Many of perhaps, happen to feel tired as if our advice never really be heard and our friend keep on coming back to that toxic relationship.

The relationship is called toxic for a reason: it is very hard to leave healthily.

I have experience from both perspective: as the one who stays in the toxic relationship, and as the one who sees my friend keep on coming back to that toxic relationship. Let’s talk from the one who stays in the toxic relationship perspective’s first.

I was in a toxic relationship for a span of 5 years long. Yes, as you might have guessed it, we break up numerous times and get back together numerous time as well. I once even ever heard one of my friends saying

“Him again?”

I know, stubborn me. Perhaps that’s how you perceive it to be but no, it was not just a mere me being stubborn, but there’s a toxic inside of it that keeps me returning again and again, some addiction of hope and butterfly in the stomach when the other party is finally doing the slightest little act of love ensuring us that “he is going to change”.

There are various reason to call a relationship toxic and everyone can have their own judgement. In my case, what made my last relationship a toxic one is that my ex was someone who is very manipulative, big liar, loves to gaslight me, narcissist, and super stubborn into thinking that he is always right. Whenever we fight, he would always be able to turn the table and make me the one who is in the wrong and that I have to apologize. Unfortunately, apologizing alone is never enough. Things started with how I have to block a friend of mine whom he thought is a ‘bad influence’, or with how I have to write a written apology and publish it, and everything else to show that he is superior than me and that I need him. This vicious act was very toxic and leaving it is not easy because you often times have to fight your own thoughts and feelings, and as you may have guessed, many struggled to find a way out.

I struggled a lot with him being manipulative. I always find myself trapped in the lies of “I promise you I will change”. Our brain somehow has been tricked into believing that he will change one day meanwhile no, our belief alone cannot change anything if the other party does not even wholeheartedly realize that there’s something wrong with him. He plants the thought in my head that I am not that good and that I am lucky that he wants to be with me so I wouldn’t dare to leave him as I was so afraid that I’ll be left with no one and miserably alone. The thought was supported by how he also pushed a lot of my friends (who thankfully today has came back to me) so I was left with no one but him. It got even worse when we finally broke up and I tried to stay away from him, he contacted my relatives and send threats to me that somehow tricked me to get back with him again.

The toxic in the relationship is what makes the people return again and again. In my case, the manipulation, lies, and gaslights always works in making my mind veiled from rational thoughts. It was not easy.

I was finally able to leave that relationship after so many hurts, betrayals, lies, and so many other painful things to the point that I was rushed to the ER due to being depressed from this very toxic person. It wass very hard to leave because we are blinded by the premise that this can work, I can only be with him, he can’t live without me and I don’t want to hurt him etc. However what we were actually doing was just lying to ourselves. We’ve seen the signs yet we were bought into the utopia that this relationship is what we deserve.

There are many reasons as well such as being afraid that no one will ever accept us like he did despite of our so many mistakes (which we didn’t actually do — he manipulated us into thinking it was our wrongdoing), feeling worthless (as he tirelessly keep reminding me that I am ‘murahan’ or ‘gampangan’), and so many other reasons that made whatever being said by our bestfriend about leaving him cannot be easily done wholeheartedly.

So when I was in the perspective of seeing my friend being trapped in a toxic relationship, I understand very well the reason why she cannot leave the relationship that easy.

It is indeed very tiring to see the people we love keep on coming back to a toxic relationship when we know she deserve better, more healthy, and more of everything relationship. However, as someone who has ever been in her shoes, I understand very well that I can’t insist my opinion into her thoughts. The only thing that I can do is being there for my friend and support whatever decision she made. It’s not that I endorse the option of her coming back to that toxic relationship, I have to do my job of reminding her to stop but if she insist into going back, I’ll be there when she needs.

Leaving a toxic relationship is not that easy. Hence the best thing we can do for those who is currently trapped in one is to be there and help her/him out as best as we can.

I can finally say that I have freed myself from the relationship because of my friend’s endless support and company who keep reminding me that I deserve to be loved, to be treated right, to have a healthy relationship. I was mainly helped by my friends who constantly broke the toxic thoughts he planted in my head and turning me into believing again that I am not worthless, I am not ‘easy’, that I can be on my own and there are people who love me. It was not an easy battle, one that I often still have to fight till today. A toxic relationship poison not only the body, but also the soul and the mind — and thus the recovery may take some time. For many, leaving the relationship is not the ending, they often find a very long way before reaching a closure, before finding peace and becoming themselves again.

So try to be there and understand.

I’m glad that I’m out of it and currently in a very healthy one. If you feel like you’re currently being trapped in a toxic relationship and do not know to who you can ask for help, I’m here willing to help you as best as I could. Contact me through e-mail anindannisa@gmail.com. I’ll see what I can do to help.

Best,

AA