When One Doesn’t Even Want To Help Themselves Anymore.

⚠️TW: Suicidal. #StartTheConversation.

I remember December 31st 2021 being one of the hardest days in my life. Everyone online was sharing their recap of the year, the good memories, the ‘self-development’, and all the good things you could think of. Right when I wanted to join in the trend, it hit me hard that 2021 was nowhere close as being the best year ever, not even a good one. I tried, very very hard to recall and collect good memories from that year but all I have can be counted by my fingers of a single hand. It hit me even harder when I realized what I did the most in 2021 was actually self-destruction.

I lost hope. I sought professional help, but I didn’t feel that it was helpful. I tried again and again and again until I finally realized that no matter how much I tried, no matter how much professional help I sought, no one would be able to help me because I didn’t even want to help myself.

I stayed somehow until I tried to end my life in early 2022. I failed, obviously because my-friend-now-husband found me and rushed me to the ER. Did I stop there? no. My now husband found me again for the second time when I was on the verge of ending my life. But this time, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

What a ridiculous story but now it hits me.

I still didn’t want to help myself back then, but he’s a dear friend I cherish a lot to the point that I only want him to be happy even if it means he’s with another girl. However, he chose me.

He clearly stated that

“this world would totally feel empty and hopeless without you, Nin.”

That single line nullified my decision of ending my life and I hold on because of him. I saw his tears begging and as much as I hate it here, as much as I have no strength to be alive anymore, I can’t stand seeing him in tears. I can’t bear the thoughts of him being sad. He is one of the absolute reasons I still exist until today.

Maybe it was the cheesy line. Maybe also it was because I fell first. But, one thing was clear: he started the conversation.

Ever since he knew that I was in constant self-destruction mode, he constantly stayed in touch with me to make sure I was still in this world. His constant presence was also what led him to be the only witness to my almost-death moment. Perhaps, his teary-eyed begging me to stay alive was also driven because he saw me on the verge of my death — because he knows what it feels like to almost lose me. However, he has the option to stay silent but he chooses to start the conversation.

He didn’t beg me to stay for him. He didn’t try to also ask a lot of questions about what happened to me. He didn’t at all insist me to change my perspective. What he did was he was there, he was present through all my tears, and the simple conversation that he always start was

“How’s your day today?”

While this is a gratitude reflection from me to my-friend-now-husband on the world suicide prevention day, this is also a reminder for you to check on those people you cherish a lot. This is a reminder for you to not let it be, to not wait until it’s too late, to not ever for a single second think that your cherished ones already have someone they can rely on. What if they don’t? What if they are currently battling with their thought intensely that they want it all to stop so bad? #StartTheConversation now.

And if you’re currently battling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help even if you don’t want to help yourself anymore. If you just need someone to talk to freely with no judgement, my email is open for you anindannisa@gmail.com

Love,
Aninda