The fall today aches my heart so much.
Here’s me being real honest about my life today.
So, I really love having everything structured. I really hate when I don’t feel like I don’t get a grip of what’s going on with my life. Thus, one way to make sure my day is going to be good, and for me to have a sense of what’s going on in my life, I really love structuring my calendar.
For today, I was looking forward to getting everything in place. I have planned from dusk till down of what I’m gonna do. I have it pictured in my head and I know it’s going to be a really good day. But, I wake up late.
I said to myself that it is okay. I was sleeping a bit late anyway, yes, been having that sleeping trouble for some time now. It’s okay, it will hopefully end soon with my husband coming. But then I tried to catchup with what I have planned — get up early, had a protein heavy breakfast, bike to train station, get on that busy train while working on my project, and head to Copenhagen to have a morning coffee in this cute a bit overpriced cafe but it’s Copenhagen so it’s okay.
The next thing I know, I tripped and hit my head 300 meters from my office on my way there. For a second, I keep my head on the place it had fallen, I’m too afraid that I would see blood because I was also confused how I was not able to hold my head from falling. I don’t even remember how I tripped, next thing I know was I scratched my phone to the asphalt trying to stopped my head from kissing the road but I can’t. For another second, I still keep my head on the place it had fallen, too confused on what I should do next.
Copenhagen people are nice one. A man who was walking in front of me seems to have turned back and helped me and asked me “er du okay?” which then I replied in my broken Svenska, “jag är okej” fully aware that the two language can speak to each other. So at that moment, I know I am okay. I can process language, I can walk, and I need to brush dust off my face by which I realize my lips also hurt. I remember now, my cheecks touched the cold bike lane of that road. It was close to my office anyway, so I get there because I have a meeting in 15 minutes.
Trying to get myself back to the plan I have planned, I get a grip on myself but I can’t hold a tears. I went to the telephone room 5 mins earlier from the meeting just to let out all tears because I feel so sad and shocked and scared and don’t know what to do and I am alone. I squeezed all my tears in 5 minutes and then continue crying after knowing that the meeting is canceled as we don’t have much to discuss and one of my team is currently munching something delicious in Seoul (which I envy a lot, hope you enjoy it tho J!). Anyway, thanks for that situation, I get to really process what had happened.
I know I needed help because my head hurts and I feel dizzy. The first person who knows about this was my husband which I called right away after I was able to get back on my feet. Second, my mom who I send the picture when I discovered I have a bump on my forehead, a big one. Third, a bunch of girls from my batch because I don’t know how to navigate healthcare in Denmark when I am residing in Sweden and nowhere near being an EU citizen. They helped me to process things and I ended up going out of that telephone room and my office manager welcomed me to a snack when she figured my meeting was canceled, but then the party was over once she saw my head.
She is so kind, so is my boss. They ensure me to get a second opinion from the medical office downstairs as they also confirmed that I have my work insurance covering for my healthcare in Denmark as well. They see it from a glance, it is fine, I am fine. I am recommended to go home and take a rest so here I am now but then I feel bad on the train.
I just arrived at the office, I have planned this whole day to be a good working day from the office, I even started my Monday with a cup of coffee in Copenhagen when I can have it cheaper in Lund, but a bump in my head ruin this all for me.
The whole day, I have not been productive and I hate myself. This is not at all what I have planned, and this is not at all how I usually responded to things. I am usually pretty chill and fine if my day is not going as what my calendar has said, because it will always only act as a guide of structured day and give me idea of what I should be doing in case I am lost and have no idea on what I should do. But, I have been so invested to this day. Work from Copenhagen and live in Sweden is what I have been dreaming since long time ago. I was about to live my dream to its full experience (yes, included the morning cafe at that cute but overpriced cafe but it’s Copenhagen so it’s okay) and then this bump ruined my head.
Honestly, I cried all my heart out because I feel so lost. I still feel headache and dizzy up until now. For a moment, I also feel nauseous. I did in the end go to the ER at the univsjukhuset but then after answering no to the question of “did you lost consciousness?” the nurse said that then I don’t need to be there and refer me to a Vårdcentral instead which opens tomorrow morning. I am so dizzy I can’t even think for long and it was hard for me to decide what I should cook for dinner leading me to have a chicken takeout from a place closeby. And I hate my day even more.
I have spent much money on that morning coffee that I don’t regret at all but now I have to spend another sum because I cannot cook but I cannot cook, living abroad and alone and in Sweden and having a bump on your head is not easy at all. Anyway, I go home and eat the chicken so I am not a vegetarian tonight but I don’t care as long as I feel better but I am not. I still feel dizzy and I feel even more forlorn as I am unable to do anything but write this as I cry my aches out.
I know it is okay for my day to not going out as what I have planned it to be, but I feel like I just lost a chance of living my dream life. I know I can do this again another time but it is just not gonna be the same. I know things will be okay but I haven’t even figured out on what’s happening with my school as the combined thesis-supporting courses really makes me confused. Now, the bump on my head really makes it hard for me to focus on figuring out what is happening in my life.
Oh I am gonna be okay. I really just need to let out all of this aches into this writing. If you ask how I can manage to write this long passage while being in heavy headaches, well, I don’t write my head today, I write with my heart so it was easy and don’t mind the seemingly off grammar there. You don’t know how hard my head tried to work and correct all the typos my heart has made but yeah, this writing makes me feel better.
Don’t worry, I know I’ll be okay. Off to bed now.
