On Being With The Right Person: Falling in Love When You’re Not Yet Done With Yourself.

Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇
4 min readNov 12, 2022

Ever heard someone says something like

“Do not fall in love or at least do not be in a relationship when you’re not yet finished with yourself”.

The definition of “finished with yourself” vary from people to people according to what their priorities in life are. But, in most places I read or most videos I watch, it talks mainly about dealing with our past, accepting our present, and be firm with our dreams. For instance, we have to already be fine with whatever bothers us in the past, enjoy our life to the fullest in the present like the typical ideal self-love post would do, and become so ambitious in life that we know what we want to achieve.

I used to buy to that belief as well. I believe in that idea so much that it took me quite a long time being alone since I feel like I haven’t finished with my past, I still cry over the thing that hurt me in the past, tho I do enjoy my current life but my past still haunt me once in a while. I also have that dream that I’m so afraid if I fall in love with someone, he’s gonna stop me from achieving that dream, or I might lose track of what I want in life.

Then, this all change when I found the right person. Yes, my lover.

He asked, “do you want to explore the possibility of us being together end up in a marriage and have a happily ever after life?” when I was about to kill myself. At that time I was hesitant to say yes although I have a crush for him already for months. I was hesitant because of the fact that at that night I wanted to kill myself because I remember my past relationship.

My ex was one of the worst kind. He’s manipulative, abusive, say harsh thing everytime he has a chance, always boast everything he did while at the same time underestimating other people. And as a matter of a fact, he was also someone who stopped me from catching my dream. Thus, he was indeed the wrong person because by being with him, I learned that I have to be finished with myself first before falling in love so no one can bother my life. But things are really different when you’re with the right person.

With that condition of an ex, my past relationship left me a very deep scar to the point that I lost myself for months. I have to go to a therapist back and forth just to find myself back. And according to my dictionary, this is one of the condition where I have not yet finished with myself. However, there he is, my lover. He fully accepts to the fact that I am still not yet healed from my past relationship and he’s here to help me heal. He’s fully aware that I am still vulnerable, might cry from time to time, might get hurt from time to time, might still need special care from time to time, and he’s there to be with me. He accepts me for who I am, take me, and willing to go in the journey of becoming a better us; a better me. As a matter of fact, he’s my number 1 supporter everytime I have to see my therapist and accompany me there. He’s my biggest supporter that believe I can be myself back again, even stronger.

Some perhaps may think that “oh no, you’re becoming a burden for him” but I know, he’d never feel that I am a burden to him. Because I believe that we all have our own scar. Our own scary past. And the matter whether we heal already or not, it’s a different journey for everyone. And so does my lover. I know he also has his own scar which he shares to me also from time to time. But we agree that we do not need to solve it on our own anymore. We’re here for each other. We’re in this together. This would work as long as your mindset is that you want to fix it too. You will be a burden if it’s only one side of the relationship who wants to help yet you don’t even want to help yourself.

He also shows me that the right person will not stop you from achieving whatever it is that you’ve been dreaming of. Instead, he will craft his future in adjustment with your dream plan, and you will want to adjust your life too in accordance with his. He constantly reminds me of my dream and ask my progress on achieving it, and I feel loved more than ever. I still haven’t finished with my all my plan in life. I still have lots of things I want to achieve, and a selfish one on top of that (like having a solo trip, going abroad for master study alone, reach a certain career level, etc) which working on these dream will take time & focus that for some people is not acceptable. Well, here’s my lover. He constantly reminds me to have a time working on my dream, he consistently give me support to achieve that dream, and he shows his life plan in accordance with mine which make me believe the right person will never make you doubt about yourself. And even when we have to change our dream to adjust to his life, we’ll do it gladly with no force.

So I think the belief need to change by now. It’s not that we have to be fully “finished” with ourselves first before being in a relationship with someone. It’s about who you’re being with.

And so this writing is dedicated again to my lover.

I’m so thankful for your existence.

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Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇

This is Anin’s public diary consist of her opinion, experience, and thoughts.