and how it has helped me become more at ease
I cried this morning realizing how kind Allah to me is. This writing would suits best if you are a muslim, but if you are not, I hope you can also learn something from this writing and see ways how you can apply it too in your own belief.
It still fresh in my mind; the days when I want to go study abroad for my master degree. I want it so bad that I am willing to pay for any help, any course, anything that could help me get there. For three years I have tried to apply, for three years as well I have been rejected. Some rejection were from the universities directly, some come from the scholarship without which it would be impossible for me to go. I’m not that privileged to be able to study a master degree abroad on my own funding. Nevertheless, that is not the point.
The point is how I want it so bad. Especially this year when I’m turning 25, I feel like I’m in my best age to go study a master this year and I really really want it so bad after 2 previous years of failure to go. I want it so bad that I write that dream every single day on every single page of my diary entry. I mention it in every prayer and in every last prostrations of every salat. I want it so bad that it becomes the first and last thing I would think of everytime I wake up and go to bed. Until one day, I feel at ease for letting go of that dream.
There comes a day when a few other dreams start to ignite inside my heart. I believe in the saying that Allah will not plant seeds of dreams inside our heart without any meaning. It could be that Allah intended that seeds to grow so we will do our best to reach it before Allah actually gives it. It could be that Allah is trying to show us the alternatives to our current dreams. It could also be the way of Allay giving us lessons so that we get closer to Him. Whatever was Allah’ intention that allowed some seeds of dreams to grow inside of me, that dreams clash so much with my desire of studying a master degree this year.
I have for specific 2 dreams that I can’t yet share with you for now. But the thing is, both of the dreams can’t come true if I go to get my master this year. My master can be postponed, the 2 dreams can be postponed as well but I want 3 of them immediately. However yes, I cannot. So there was a day when I get so confuse and anxious over my future. I don’t know what to decide, then I eventually ask Allah for all of the 3 things. My heart wasn’t at ease somehow even after asking Allah for all of it. Until one night, I change the way I ask Allah.
I let go of everything. None of any of those dream has a sign; whether rejected or accepted (for my master this year, I am still waiting for some scholarship announcement too, so I still have a chance). But, I let go of everything. I said to Allah “O Allah, I want to study my master degree as soon as possible. This year would be nice, but if you want me to postpone that plan again, help me to be at ease, at peace, and accept that condition. Help my heart to be at a “ikhlas” state with your plan. I want A and B too (the 2 other dreams). I don’t know for sure between studying a master, A, and B, which will come first. But you know, and I believe that you are the master at planning a very good plan. So, I give it all to you and in the meantime I’m waiting for the answers, make my heart at peace, give me the ability to be sabr (patient), and afterall You are the best of all planners”.
And.. that’s that. I would say it was overnight, the next thing I know was I am fine with letting go my dream to pursue a master degree this year. I am fine with it being postponed again, and I am also fine with whenever the other 2 dreams will come. Alhamdulillah, the feeling of being at ease is indiscribeable. I would say this is the best feeling I would ever have and I thank Allah for it.
There’s another case as well when I implemented the same way of asking Allah the right thing. So if you track back to my writings, someone in my past did leave a scar that is so deep to the point that I lost myself. This person is the worst kind of person indee that I wish nothing but karma to come to him. I wanted to see his life plummeted so bad. I wanted to see him suffer, be in a hard situation, and oh whatever bad things you could imagine I’d wish it happened to him. But, I have not yet heard of his suffering. Somehow, from what I know, his life is fine and knowing this my heart aches.
I keep on asking Allah to give this person his Karma. I believe that Allah is the Most Fair one so I know, Allah will also make him feels what I felt. But the thing is, Allah may not give his karma here in the world and in some other way he might also have made him become further away from Allah. I don’t know for sure but I realize, why did I pray something for him instead of for me? This is my prayer, my chance, I should’ve prayed for me.
So, at that one sujood, I ask Allah to give my heart peace, and heal my heart from anything that has hurt it in the past. I ask Allah to make me become ignorance over what happened in his life, and I ask Allah to make me become at ease with whatever that may happen in the future. Same as the previous case, overnight, that exact thing comes true. I wake up feeling at peace, ease, and somehowe better at remembering my hurtful past. It still hurt I’d say, but I forgive it already. It still leave a scar as well, but I could leave the scar untouched now. I have now become more at ease and I could confidently says that I don’t give a single care over what happens in his life. He may be happy, he may be sad, he may feel whatever he may feel. I still believe that Allah will reply what he did to me with the same or even deeper level of suffering for him. But that’s not my business to care. I leave it to Allah and I’ll focus to my life.
Wallahualam. In conclusion, we may ask for whatever it is actually but fundamentally, ask Allah to make our heart at ease, at peace. Ask Allah to give us the ability to be sabr upon anything, and ask Allah to help and guide us in everything. May Allah always be with us. Insya Allah.
This was supposed to be a Ramadhan edition but I was too busy connecting with Allah, with my loved ones, and this is okay. This could still be a Syawal edition. :)
Be at peace.