I’ve Been Living My Dream & This Is Me Telling How It Feels Like.

Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇
5 min readDec 9, 2023

In short, it’s … indescribably confusing — surreal.

In all of our imagination, living the life we’ve been dreaming about would be absolute joy, all time happiness, and indescribably making you smile from ear to ear. I can’t lie, I have those moments too. However, at times I keep on asking myself — is this real or not real? (I for real write and read this with a heavy breath).

It’s 19h now, and I am sitting comfortably on a desk typing this story while looking at my husband who is my bestfriend I’ve known for almost 10 years, who for the last 3 years has been in close proximity to me, and for the last 1 year has been dating with me. The most confusing out of everything is that we are together, living in our apartment, in Sweden. Yes, in a place 10,000km+ away from our home. Surreal.

The past days, I keep on telling my husband that if I were to tell him last year that next year, we’ll already be married, and we’ll be living our life together in Sweden, we both will think that I am crazy. Oh, don’t even go so far. If you say this back in May 2023, we won’t even believe it. However yeah, crazy things happened, this happened — and I still can’t believe it.

I could say that upon my arrival to Sweden back in August, I’ve been experiencing extreme jetlag which is not over even until now, counting to my 4th month being here. And that being said, my jetlag is not with the time, but with my life. So many things have happened in a so many fast pace— too fast, in fact. Hug myself. I’m living my dream life but I keep on asking, is this real or not real. I’m too afraid if this is indeed, just a dream. Funny, isn’t it? When life really gives you all you want, you kinda question it, too afraid because all of these are too good to be true.

I’ve been wanting to pursue a master degree since 2020, and I have known the program, the university, the city, the country I want to go to. Oh you mention it, I am more prepared than ever as time goes by. But, as you may have known, I keep on being on the waiting list since I first applied, and same thing happened this year too. At least, until early July when they finally tell me that they have a spot for me, and they are welcoming me to the program. Surreal — because I finally am going. Because this, finally happened, at the moment when I have secured a scholarship. I am going.

Not only that, I’ve also been dreaming of living in another country with my lover, especially when it happened during my master study, so I can have someone accompanying me and help me lift the burden. And, it happened to happen — with my bestfriend is one thing that makes it even harder to believe. Like… I recall late 2020 when my friend asked me about him and I totally say that he’s just a very good bestfriend to me and that would be almost impossible for me to be marrying him. Like… we never really had such feeling, at least not until late 2021 🤪

So, living in Sweden — one of Scandinavian country that I really like for its life quality, studying master in an interdisciplinary program that mix environment with business management and policy, having been married to my bestfriend, and living my life here with my bestfriend. On top of that, so many, in fact too many, of my dreams are coming true at the same time. Thus, I really am living my dream but this feels… surreal.

Now I have reached this point of writing, I have to tell myself that this is real. All of these things have been so beautifully happening at the right place at the right time with the right person. And, instead of questioning, I should have been more grateful and be dream even more. Because girl, you attract what you dream. We all do. I must say that among one thing I want to share with you is, living your dream life is so beautiful, how could it be not. But, when it’s happening too much, everything’s cominng all at the same time, it is very valid to feel confused, to feel afraid, anxious, and that is not by any means shows us being ungrateful.

You may or may not have seen how I get to this point from my instagram stories. However, I can assure you, you only see the beauty. There were tears behind the one week prepared wedding. Despite of it being as perfect as how I’ve dreamed my wedding would be, I was so tired preparing it. I mean, a week?!. There were also feeling of exhausted when I have to directly prepare my departure, doing some document work for both my scholarship and residence permit, without even having any break from the wedding. And then, suddenly, school start, and it’s just suddenly, I’m having exam. Crazy, me staying sane is already good enough I’d say. To point this out, me saying this has nothing to do with my gratitude for what life has brought for me. It’s simply me telling you to recognize that behind everything that makes you happy, utterly joyful, you could also have some anxiety, sad, and feeling of tired in between.

Regardless, I am so grateful of everything that has happened, I just still can’t believe it.

One more thing to say, you may or may not have known that before all of these, I had some struggles too. I was diagnosed with a PTSD and psychosomatic disorder back in 2022, had to be on medication for over 6 months, going back and forth to the hospital, and always have xanax with me in case I encounter a sudden panic attack. I was laid off and have no source of income for 2 months, when later I get a job but for 6 months contract only for which nearing its end of the contract, I encounter difficulties in finding the next job. I had some hard times too, but I survived. We all may have different level of hardship in our life, but whatever it is, I would like to say… hang in there. Good things may come your way soon (I am the living proof).

Hang in there, good things do come to replace what was taken from us.

p.s: This exhaustingly happy living in my dream life has somewhat kept me busy from not writing any stories here, and I’ve missed it so much. Promise you, I’ll write more. I mean, my lover is here and not only that he helped me a lot, but we also have a lot to share — both love story and lesson learned stories.

Stay tuned! <3

Love from afar,

Anin <3

--

--

Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇

This is Anin’s public diary consist of her opinion, experience, and thoughts.