I Guess in the End, I Am Saying Goodbye.

Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇
4 min readSep 13, 2022

No, I am not. This is me giving answers to my own suicidal notes. I once had a suicidal thought. Times, actually. And at one of the times, I wrote a draft and plan it to be published after my planned death time. Thank God I survived the thoughts and here I am answering my own sense of helplessness while being in the state of hopefulness. The writing in italic other than in this paragraph is what this writing consists of originally. The normal font is my answers.

It’s been… what? two weeks? months? years? It’s been going on for so long but hey we’ve been holding on this long. We’re so strong that even after this long, we’re still holding on and able to go through whatever’s ahead.

I don’t know for sure of what is happening to me but what I know is that my mind is currently clouded by bad memories, suicidal thoughts, and a huge willingness to end my life. I guess I am saying goodbye tonight. No, I am not. Sometimes our head are clouded with bad thoughts but amidst the darkness, there will always be light for those who keen on looking. Do not let the bad thoughts consume you. Your mind is yours, we’re the one who can control it. So once bad thoughts cloud over your mind again, ask your own mind “Oh really?”. Always challenge those bad thoughts because most of the time, it’s just in our head.

It was just yesterday when I had fun with my boyfriend. We spend the night having a deep talk, sharing our thoughts and clearing our minds post stressful and super tiring work on that day. It was good. It was. But then bad thoughts are storming in, and I just can’t see the light again. Yes, you can see the light again. Life is funny isn’t it. We’ll be laughing one night, and cry the other night, and that’s okay because we’ll be laughing again the other night. Neither laughter nor tears last forever. So, if today you’re feeling like crying, cry it all out knowing that rains have to be dropped for the dark cloud to disappear. Tears have to be let out for the feeling to be liberated.

I re-read my past writings, my diaries, my side notes that I wrote when I had my joy, but re-reading that brings nothing to me anymore. I do not feel happy, excited, not even gaining the slightest of hope. It’s been what? two weeks? months? years? It feels like it’s been forever since I am trapped in this vicious cycle. Hey hey hey, it’s okay. This is not our first time turning back to this sad cycle again but that’s the point. We’ve been through this numerous of times and we survived the past ones. I can’t promise you that this one would be the last, but what I can guarantee is that we’ll be stronger from each cycle to another cycle. We’ll be more resilient. Prove is that we used to take a month to get out of this sad cycle, then we need 3 weeks, a week. Now we only need a day. That’s a huge improvement and know that one day, it could happen only in blink. Believe in the idea that we always get stronger from each cycle to another cycle. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Medical record might have just recorded it for 3 months ago, but I’ve been having a constant fight, ups and downs but mostly downs, since 5 years ago. It’s a hard battle I could say, one that is with your mind. But even I do not have the willingness to help myself, who else could? Ah yes, the willingness to help ourselves sometimes can be absent, and at that time, life feels so hard. It’s a valid feeling and what we can do when it hits is that it’s a signal for us to take a break. To take a moment of being present, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves again, do we really do not want to help ourselves? Well, cases happen when the answer is yes, we do not want to help ourselves again. And at that time what we can do is give ourselves some time. Do not take or make any decision as we’re not at our best state. Give life some time. Things might change at moments we don’t even realize it.

Getting my master's degree, getting married to my boyfriend, building a life in Sweden, whatever beautiful utopia that the future may have, none of them give me a sense of willingness to live again. I am opting for medicines, and I am saying goodbye tonight. No, we’re not saying goodbye that night. At times also, life feel plain but that’s part of life. Those dreams for once feel so beautiful, then suddenly those dreams taste so plain and that’s okay. Again, at this kind of time, we are not in our best state to make any decision. Let life do its work: being alive just to pass a day. That’s okay. One day, we’ll find dreams that gives us spirit to be alive again.

I am so sorry to everyone. I am so sorry that I am giving up. But these bad thoughts are clouding over my head, and I can’t clear it. Thank you everyone for your endless support. But I am so sorry, I give up. No, we don’t. We’re not giving up. Take a breath, slow down, and give life some time. Everything that comes to this earth, comes within a process. Even an instant food need process of being cooked or being put in a microwave. That’s still a process. Life needs some time for it to tell you about the beauty behind this all. Give life some time as it reveals the page of life to you one by one. Be patient. This too shall pass.

Goodbye. Hello again. Let’s see the hope again.

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Suara Senar Nirwana ⑇

This is Anin’s public diary consist of her opinion, experience, and thoughts.