That 11pm, I have taken 5 pills of fridep and thought that I was ready to die. There I was still breathing hours later and vomited another hour later and shaking heavily in the morning. There he was, concerned about me and forced me to go to the emergency room with him. I was saved, although I still wanted to die.
The feeling of hopelessness and huge desire to die is what kept me alive. I was still alive because I can’t die. Hours pass by and the thought is still lingering there. One may say that I was being too dramatic and that I did not try to help myself, but I just let it be. I let people talk their thoughts out loud because who am I to rule them. In the same sense, who are they to judge me.
I have tried my best to survive the storm, the hitting traumatic events. I was diagnosed with a PTSD and psychosomatic depression by a psychiatrist and that pill was still one very hard to be swallowed on that very day. The fact that someone ruined my past and created a deep scar up to that time I was breathing was making me furious. It’s not that I didn’t try to see the sun again, I just couldn’t. It’s not that I didn’t try to survive, it was just too painful.
Medication started and I start to feel a different thing in my body. To prevent sadness and a sense of losing hope, the medicines helped me with stabilizing my mood to the point that I can’t feel anything. The writing might seem to be too dark for a happiest moment, but I’d fly to the moon if it weren’t for the medicines. How could I’m not when the man I’ve had crush on for the past month finally says that he loves me and wanted to explore the possibility of us ending up together in a marriage.
My crush asked me to be his girlfriend when I was depressed. The feeling? It was plainly happy. I was happy, I’d like to fly to the moon, but the medicines kept me grounded. I was the happiest girl on that night although the happiness felt a bit artificial.
It’s a funny event to be remembered but there it was, a happy memory. Indeed, I felt almost nothing on the day he said he love me due to the medicines I was taking, plus the depression. However, as the medicines start to keep on working and the depression started to step aside, remembering this moment has always been successful in making me smile from ear to ear.
At times, the desire to die is still there. The willingness to give up and let go of everything still surging from time to time. However, now with his existence as an intangible part of my life has reminded me over time that surviving might be worth it. Staying alive could be worth it.
So this writing is dedicated to him and perhaps to some of you who would like to know how it feels like to be feeling-less. Amidst the surge of wanting to give up, God send me someone to help. Thank you for loving me at my worst while you deserve me at my best. His existence has helped me to start seeing the light of hope again. His existence give me the willingness to be better everyday, even though it means only 1% at a time.
Lesson learned: hope will always be there even when we expect it less, only if we give life some time. Everything that comes in this life comes in progress. so give life some time, it might give you unexpected surprise at unexpected time. I hope you get your sense of hope anytime soon.