How Being Married Changed My Perception of Being an Independent Woman
In my early 20s (God, how old am I actually? I’m just halfway through my 20s journey tho haha. Anyway,) I had this strive of wanting to be independent, to look independent, and to have that strong branding as an “independent woman”. That was cool, I think, and what I did to have myself defined as an independent woman is that I would do everything alone — like, literally everything, and show to the world that I could do it all by myself.
I would travel everywhere by myself, enjoy food in a restaurant by myself, and go to cinema alone especially when I’m about to watch horror movie. This is good, I agree. However, now I realize some changes happened in me, I see my way of being independent back then was toxic in the head, and bad for myself. I see that being independent is not how things are seen from the action, but rather from the freedom of deciding things. Let me tell you here so if you happen to view it in the same way as I did, let’s unlearn and learn again.
I realized that my early thoughts of ‘independent woman’ were very toxic and were more or less shaped by some patriarchal man whose ego is so fragile that they don’t want to help women so they indoctrinate the figure of an independent woman as ‘cool’. I bought into the standard and I started to project the thought and judge other women as not being independent when they do not have the same ‘freedom’ as I did.
Back then, I used to think that women whose bags were being carried by their men were not independent — were too ‘spoiled’ to take care of their own stuff and such a burden to the man. Hahaha, believe me, or not, but this thought was infused by such inferior men who do not want to bring, not even offer to help their girlfriend with their stuff. Now that I am married, my husband always brings my bag without me asking, and he even most of the time insists on doing so. I asked him whether bringing my bag made me look less independent or not and he answered:
“How is it so when you never asked me to do so? I know you can carry it on your own, but this is my way of loving you, an act of service. I love it when you can walk as easily as you could have, and carrying your bag will make it easier for you. I am totally happy doing this for you. In fact, I’m actually proud because the world could then see how much I love you”
This reminds me of some Titok video I saw the other day saying something like “When a man helps you open the door, it does not mean he thinks you cannot do it. He simply wants to help you and it’s a gesture of love, of care, of fondness”. Exactly. As a woman, we can do a lot of things alone, and when someone (not only men) helps us, it does not mean we cannot do it. It could mean that they care, they love us, and they want things easier for us. Isn’t it what we want to do for the ones that we love dearly? And so now, I think in its core, women can do everything by themselves, but they don’t really have to. After all, being independent or not is not to be solely judged by whether a woman is doing everything alone or not, it could also start from the mind, the freedom of thought, and of making decisions.
The spectrum of ‘independence’ is so wide that when a woman cannot do something by themselves does not necessarily make them ‘less independent’.
Back then, I also had the thought that as an independent woman, one should be able to navigate her life without being limited by someone, including her significant other. Oh, now that I am married, this is half true and half wrong. It is true that women should be able to decide for themselves, should be able to do whatever they want, and should not be limited by anyone including their significant others. Half of this that was wrong is the part where I thought when a woman had to make sacrifices and change course for others, she was not independent enough. Wrong, because as long as she decides that she wants to sacrifice by herself, that no one is pushing or limiting her from doing or not doing the sacrifice, she still has the freedom and she’s still the independent woman that she is.
To show an example, I used to think that a woman who followed their man and thus sacrificed their dream did not have enough independence as a woman. However, now that I have unlearned and learned this, she is still as independent as she could be when she is the one who made the decision. If I still had the same thoughts as I did, I would then have to judge my husband as not independent — because he sacrificed his dream to follow me here while I pursue my dream. However, I still see him as independent as ever, and he does not feel less independent either. Coming to Sweden to support my study was his decision and he made the decision for 1. himself, 2. me, his wife. He said this himself:
“I’m still the same independent man that I am. I decided this for myself because I love you. When it’s your turn to make such a decision which I know in the near future you might do, it’s not that you do not have the independence with yourself, with your dream. You will always be the independent woman that I know, it’s just that now, whatever we decide will have an impact not only on ourselves but also on each other”.
So, if I still see my husband as independent as ever, why would I judge another woman otherwise? Oh, my ideas of ‘independent woman’ back then were so toxic and I’m glad now that I have unlearned those thoughts.
An independent woman could decide for herself even when it means she will sacrifice her dream, as an act of love, and it’s not foolish. She simply sees something else as more important and puts it above herself. Now that I am married, I often make decisions that sort of compromise or sacrifice my wants, dreams, or desires, but I do it wholeheartedly because I want my marriage to work. At the end of the day, marriage is about teamwork to find the middle ground that will make each other happy and content with each other. I do not feel dependent on my husband when I make the decision, rather I feel liberated because I get to decide on my own, and my husband could also help me with making the decision. He could also decide everything for himself, and my suggestion is my way of loving him to ensure whatever he decides is the best for him, the best for us.
Today, I never eat alone, watch movie alone, or even travel alone anymore. Not that he does not allow me, I simply love spending all the time I have with him. Does this make me less independent than I was before marriage? Not at all. At the end of the day, being independent happens in the thought — when one has the freedom to decide for themselves. After being married, I still have all the freedom to decide for myself, it’s just now, that I always make a decision that will make not only my life but also the life of the person I cherished a lot to be better as well.
To have such freedom start with choosing the right partner. And such freedom, such independence is on us. Thus, if you do not want to compromise your dream of following your future husband, then look for the one that will wholeheartedly support your dream.
love,
Anin
