Don’t be afraid of people’s judgement. I won’t anymore.

A how and why

One time, my friend told me

“Oh, you can fail too eventually”.

You must have been having the same expression as I did to,

“The hell? Of course I could. I am human too!”

But deeper than that, I thought

“Did I disappoint them? Did I do something wrong? Bad?”

I once let the thought to just slide, but then judgements coming like a never-ending reels. Some of them sounds

“Why do you write that on your medium? That’s supposed to be for your personal consumption”

“Don’t post that on your instagram, don’t you think of the people’s feeling who are not able to achieve what you can and they see your post?”

Or,

“What is acutally your reason to publish that? Seeking for empathy? Publishing your story won’t make your problem goes away”

To be brutaly honest, it hurts. So bad. I don’t understand why too, but that’s the ugly truth. Some people feels like that they have the audacity to give harsh comments, limit what we can do, think, or perhaps even breathing?

Back in May 2021, I faced my deepest breakdown and I am still suffering from that. That was one moment when all of the sudden, a bomb of ugly truth explodes and adds up to ovethinks, insecurities, anxieties, and everything in between. You have your own thought of

Ah, just that. Nothing much

But ladies and gentlemen, aren’t we all agree that we have our own battlefield? What seems so little for you might seems so much for me. Respect, please?

I am currently gathering my own courage to tell the world of what was exactly happening to me with the aim…………

Not for validation,

Not for your unnecessary empathy,

Not for sadness reduction,

For nothing more but my own willingness to write. My own mindfulness from pouring thoughts into words. That’s okay, right? — oh believe me, even at this point I still feel a little panic and afraid of judgement but I told myself for several time that this is okay…. This, is, okay.

It’s hard. It hasn’t been easy.

I don’t even really tell you much about my work too because I’m afraid people will see me bragging.

I don’t tell much people about me starting my journey of applying for grad stud again, because I’m afraid people will see me exaggerating something that I didn’t achieve yet.

I don’t tell people about my sadness, breakdowns, anxiety and insecurities, because I am so afraid that people will see me overreacting over my own problems.

I have been so afraid, so insecure and all but now I start to re-look to myself first and be mindful with my own thoughts. So now, you may have seen me sharing some “more-vurnarable stories” on any social media I have. I do so because I wanted to, and I know now, I shouldn’t be afraid of anything.

Sharing my work, stories, day to day life, even some heart break and sad events have been a very stress-relieving moments for me. Many of you who perhaps have read some pieces of my story will understand that writing for me is much more than just a hobby and publicizing my life. But it’s a therapeutic moment of me to get to know better of my ownself and accept my minds and thoughts, arranging those spaghetti bowls of popping ideas and feelings.

With the fear clouding over my willingness to write, I have been rejecting my own thoughts, deny my own feelings, and put me in a very uncomfortable position. This is not good. “This is not good” said me to me.

I start to re-look and re-ask my own self. Sorry not sorry, and my self says,

I love writing and I love sharing stories regardless of what the story is. If I says “what seems little for you, could mean so much to me” then I should also realize that what seems to be just a-meh-story for me could be a very insightful lesson learned for someone out there. I mean, who knows?

I have also been recieving support from people who actually read my stories here, follow my instagram since long time ago. They show several parts in my life that I thought means nothing to me, but means so much to them.

This support has cloud those bad words.

I know, eventually bad words will exist. We, in the end of the day cannot please everyone, right? But so does everyone cannot please us. So, what?

I have made up my mind that I’d like to be more active in sharing my life, my stories, my experiences, and everything in between. I hope you too!

Should you not like it, then mind your own business, please. It will just simply that my writing is not for your plate and I don’t mind at all.

Are we good?

I mean, in the end of the day, what’s so hard with just saying nice things? Bad thoughts are inevitable, I can say that too. But in case you haven’t known, saying it is controlable, ladies and gentlemen.

What’s so hard with minding your very own business and do not feel like you have the audacity to control over somebody’s life?

I hope we’re all good.

I hope you’re good.

Let’s be friends again with our truest-self, feelings, and thoughts. Choose you first and that’s okay.

You go, girl.
Best,
yours truly ❤