2 — A Letter for my Papah.
I must say that I start this entry with a heavy heart — it’s been 6 years without you, but the emptiness is still somewhere there. The pain of losing you has never really healed as I realize it now. But, don’t worry Pah, I’m in good hands now and despite how painful it is, I’m strong enough to not shed a tear up to this point.
This second part of my 2024 end-of-month reflection series is to me and my dad in 2018 — the year when Allah calls him back. February 2018 was the last time he saw me physically, and was the last time I knew he could see me, feel me, and hear me. I sawhim again April 2018, a few hours before he had his last breath.
Pah, how is it up there? 6 years ago, you were laying down on the bed and you’ve been like that for more than 2 weeks. It went so fast — from how you suddenly feel dizzy and that you need neurosurgery performed because there was some blood clogging the blood flow and oxygen to your brain. Just somehow, the surgery ended up messes your body system, and there was some complexities that your body ends up not responding to a lot of things — except for my voice.
It must’ve been painful, wasn’t it? I can’t imagine the pain you went through that night — you had your skull open because your brain was swollen and you go that way: with the skull placed in your stomach. I’m so sorry that you have to go through that but I believe that is Allah’s way to forgive all of your sins Pah, may you’re now in the best place He chose for you.
Beyond that, I am actually more sorry for being too busy with my life. I was struggling with the new environment, the new decision, the fight that I have to face of being in new school I hate that time — that I forgot, you’re in pain. I am so sorry that our last interaction was only holding hands, and that I didn’t get much time to say how much I love you.
Pah, it’s almost Ramadhan now, and my condition has totally different from how I was 6 years ago. Well, you kinda expect it, didn’t you? Pah, I am married now… I have another man that actually care to me so much and give his love unconditionally. I know, he can’t beat you in that topic, but he’s doing all his best to make me feel loved, supported, and blessed. Just like you did Pah. and I miss you so bad, but I hope you’re rest assured that I am now in a good hand. He will not only protect me in this world, but also guide me to His jannah — where we’ll meet again Pah, Insya Allah.
Pah, 6 years ago was a very hard year for me. Especially in the Ramadhan, that was the first Ramadhan for us without you. We didn’t have you who will wake us up for suhoor, we didn’t have you who will excited bring takjil for us when you get home, we didn’t have you who will take me out for some walk while killing the time before iftar. Pah, I miss you so bad and I think up to this point I have cried more than a litre of tears. It’s still painful for me realizing that you’re not around.
Oh, what’s more there to say. I have a lot to say to you, I want to tell you how I am now in a master study, how I live in Sweden now, how I am happy everyday, how I’m all good, and I’m going to go on a journey that we did back in 2016, but now I’ll be doing it with my husband.
Ah, I have ‘Berita Kepada Kawan’ playing in the background. I could never forget the moment I first hear this song: it was in Krista Hitam, on our way to Bandung, and you sing it wholeheartedly. Pah, I think this is it. I really have too many to say to you that I don’t know what to say next — I have too many. I think in the end, I want you to know that despite how I miss you so much, I am now in good hands. I am now living a good life, I am now living well, healthy, and happy. Pah, don’t worry about me. We’ll see each other again soon in His jannah, soon, insha Allah.
If one thing could happen, I really just want to hug you and say the word I rarely have the chance to say it to you: I love you and thank you so much for all you have done for our family…
I love you pah.
