1 — A Letter to Me in 2021.

I’m bringing back my old edition of publishing a reflection on every last day of the month. See here for what I wrote exactly 3 years ago. However, this year’s end of month's reflection would be a bit different. Instead of writing about me on that month vaguely, metaphorically, and implicitly, I’ll try to contrast me at the respective end of the month with me in some time in the past. One ever said that the only comparison you may make of yourself is with your old self. Hence, here’s for me in January 2021.

I have to take a deep breath remembering you because I really wanna hold you tight. The year has just started, correct? Same here. The only difference would be neither you nor I know how 2024 will be, but I know how 2021 will be: both the best and the worst year we ever have to go through. Unfortunately, it expands to 2022 where we almost gave up.

I see that you have some confusion, thoughts occupying your mind so loud that you keep on wondering. Unfortunately, it will only be worse. It will, for sure, one day be answered. But, for it to be answered, you will somehow need to be strong. As pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. I understand that during this time, you are currently in a relationship with someone you thought you loved. However, you need to realize as I realize it now that love should not make you suffer. Love should actually make you better compared to when you are alone. Love is supposed to be warm. You didn’t know this in 2021, that’s okay, and it is not your fault. Some people are really good at being a manipulative person, you just unfortunately fell to be with that bad person for now. It’ll be over soon.

You may not want that to be over, I understand. You may also be wondering what could possibly be so bad as you actually started the year with unexpected happiness. Darling, the thing that we refer to as happiness is ‘pseudo-reality’ if that’s even a term. The fact that it’s been days since you got the unexpected happiness yet this day you feel confused and anxious is a red sign. Run, baby, run. But you won’t. Because you didn’t see the sign. However, deep inside, if you really talk to yourself, you’re hurting every day. The very same person who gives you unexpected happiness at the beginning of the year will create the most excruciating pain you have to go through. Don’t worry, in 2022 we will heal over it perfectly so you’ll be fine. Plus, in the same year well, someone will show you the true meaning of love.

2021 is when you’ll be in a lot of pain, even diagnosed with diseases (yes, plural) that you did not imagine before. However, now that I see it, it is necessary. Going through this will allow you to see that you have to prioritize yourself. Going through this has finally given you the firm reason to protect yourself, and to listen more to what your heart says. In the upcoming weeks, you will experience emotional ups and downs, many of them will be the downs. You will one day reach the moment when you’re not eating well, you’re not sleeping well, you lost a lot of weight, you cry a lot, but your work performance increased because that’s you running away. You will only realize this after you get typhus sometime around the end of Q3.

If you ask me whether everything’s gonna be okay or not, the answer is it will be. You will cut several toxic people out of your life, including the person you thought was your lover. Believe me, you will meet someone who is much better and loves you more than you could ever love yourself. Fortunately for us, that’s the person who is with me this year and will continue on until death do us part. The person you currently thought as your lover is the most toxic, manipulative, and misogynistic man you could ever meet. I know that you also have realized it by now, but you are clouded by his manipulative words making it so hard to let go, right? But, don’t worry, you’ll get over him soon and that’s the easiest thing we’ve ever done.

If you ask me again whether we’ll reach our dream or not, the answer is, we will, and we always will. I mean, I know what you’re dreaming at that point even though you say that you don’t know what’s your goal in life for the moment, but I could say that I am currently living the dream life you’ve always been dreaming of. Yes, We’ll be miles away from home, with our lover. This lover is someone who has been in our lives for so long, and he shows us what true love means. In a world of boys, he’s a gentleman. Unlike the lover you thought of that day, the lover that is with us today supports our dream so much to the point that he’s willing to sacrifice so many things in his life. You will one day understand it when I say “You’ll be grateful you get through that excruciating pain because I am grateful”.

One last question I know you will want to ask me, whether or not we have discovered our path already or not, the answer would be yes, absolutely. Well, to be fair, we some sort of live the life. I know that you wrote the quote there saying we should be alive every day, but from that moment you write it, unfortunately, you’ll get through so many days where you just live to pass through the day. Now, listen to me, it is okay. It’s totally okay when you live just to pass the day because we are not always in our best state. All it takes is time and perseverance, because today, we feel the most alive every day. I feel more alive than I was yesterday, but less than how I will be tomorrow. At least, that’s what is on my mind at the moment.

So, I kinda do not want to spoil the year for you but you’ll be brokenhearted, you will be diagnosed with depression, and you will almost die out of poisoning. In the same year, you will also reach your best work performance, you will get promoted, and you will get to enjoy the best year of work as an entry-level employee at your current company. One last thing, despite the hurdle of being depressed to the point where you will lose contact with people for months as you isolate yourself, or the painful nights of feeling worthless as you meet someone whose words are all lies, you will end the year with beautiful memories. So many things happen in a year, and without you realizing it, you grow so much during that so many things happen in a year.

Now that I have reached the end of my reflection, I realize that yes, so many things may happen in a year. I was once worried about how my 2024 will be, but it’s just January. Like the me in January 2021 who was worried, we’ll continue living on opening the life surprises one by one. If I were to say one last thing to the me in 2021, stay strong. The year is not gonna be easy, but you will grow a lot. I will keep that in my mind as well for whatever this year may have in store. Cheers to our growth.

Best,
Aninda Annisa Firdaus.